


When Time Stood Still

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Cancer, Character Death, Happy Memories, Heavy Angst, Hospice Care, I Don't Know How I Come Up With This Shit, Love, M/M, Marriage, Merlin is sick, Not Happy, Old Age, Old Married Couple, Reminiscing, Sickness, end of life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 18:16:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15801987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: While visiting Merlin, Eggsy ponders on some of the times that time had stood still for himself and his husband.





	When Time Stood Still

**Author's Note:**

> HEAD THE WARNINGS!!! Nothing happy about this really. Maybe the memories? 
> 
> If you choose to read it, well I hope you can see the beauty in it.  
> Much Love <3 xoxo

Eggsy walked through the doors. A quiet swish as they opened and the soft click when they came together again. It had been the same sounds he was accustomed to the past three weeks. He smiled kindly at the receptionist signing his name in the visitor log like he did every day.

“How are you?” She asked.

“I’m doing well and how about yourself, Holly?”

“It’s been a decent start to the morning. Your son is here today,” Holly offered. And he could see where Lee had signed his name just an hour earlier. They had all become regular faces at Royal Trinity Hospice.

“I’ll be seeing you later,” Eggsy waved her off and made his way down the too familiar hall. He had hoped today would be better. Before he had left last night his husband was in more pain than normal and they had upped what he could have. Knocking softly he peered in and saw their son seated on the side of Merlin’s bed.

“Hi dad,” Lee whispered a frail hand in two of his.

“Hey,” Eggsy gave his son a kiss on the cheek and gazed longingly at his sleeping husband. “Has he been awake at all?”

“Only for a minute or two in spurts. The nurse gave him something about a half hour ago.”

Taking the empty seat on the other side of the bed Eggsy gently took Merlin’s free hand in his. Rubbing soothing circles he began to hum. It was their wedding song. Each day Eggsy chose a different melody to sing for Merlin. And today he chose a tune when time stood still.

 

_The sun was just starting to set. Everyone was crowding the dance floor as the newlyweds moved gracefully about the space._

_Merlin had his arms securely around Eggsy’s waist as Unchained Melody crooned softly in the background, “Happy?” And what a silly question it was as Eggsy’s face was lit with the brightest smile Merlin had ever seen on his new husband._

_“Of course,” Eggsy rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder and swayed in unison with the slow song playing. He couldn’t help but think of all of the memories they’d be able to make. The years that stretched before them. Eggsy caught a glimpse of Harry and his mum. They were standing side by side and the light caught the tears glistening against their skin._

_“Oh, my love, my darling,” Eggsy began to sing and was stopped by a firm press of Merlin’s lips against his._

_“Go on,” Merlin encouraged softly when they separated. His cheek against Eggsy’s, “I love to hear ye sing.”_

 

Eggsy hadn’t realized Merlin was looking at him as he finished the song off until he felt a twitch of his husband’s hand beneath his. A smile spread across Eggsy’s face looking at the hazel eyes staring back at him, “Hi babe.” He whispered afraid his voice would betray him.

He watched the steady rise and fall of Merlin’s chest, “Eggsy.” Merlin croaked.

“I’m here,” Eggsy leaned up and kissed him softly. “Not going anywhere,” He promised and ran his palm over the thin skin of his husband's arm. Settling himself on the edge of the bed, “Are you in any pain?”

“No.”

Sweeping his eyes over his love to ensure Merlin wasn’t. Eggsy had figured out from previous times that his husband would lie about how much he hurt. So Eggsy took it upon himself to assess him each time. At least his Kingsman training was coming in handy outside of the agency. He watched Merlin watching him.

“Go back to sleep,” Eggsy encouraged.

Merlin raised his hand slowly to Eggsy’s face, “Miss seeing ye.” He breathed out.

“I haven’t left you,” He held the hand there, but that’s not what Merlin had meant.

A careful frown caused Merlin’s face to wrinkle further, “Lee.”

“He stepped out to get something to eat. Said he’d be back.”

“Ye sang,” Merlin smiled. “More, please.”

Eggsy took in a shaky breath, “What would you like to hear?”

“Our song...again,” Because wasn’t that what Eggsy was just singing? Merlin didn’t care. He wanted to hear the lovely voice of his husband. He was more careful with his facial expressions. No matter how much medication they were giving him there was a constant ache in his bones. And he wanted his last days with Eggsy and Lee to be ones he could be awake for. Merlin knew Eggsy would disagree with him, but that was okay he could be mad at him another day.

“Anything you want,” Eggsy kissed the palm of Merlin’s hand and sang their song again.

*

_A soft cry could be heard outside of the room. Anxiety rippling through the air as they waited to hear the news. The sounds of footsteps echoing through the halls in the distant as the cries grew louder. The door opened causing them to look up and both Merlin and Eggsy moved forward._

_“Your son is well,” A nurse by the name of Beth told them. “And your friend did a wonderful job. We’re just getting them both cleaned up.”_

_Time stood still at that moment. They had become parents, “We have a son.” Eggsy turned to Merlin and saw his husband’s eyes moist with unshed tears._

_“Aye, we do.” He agreed and gently took Eggsy’s face in his grasp. Merlin kissed him softly._

_A few moments later they were sat side by side next to Roxy’s hospital bed, “How can we ever thank you for this?” Eggsy hadn’t taken his eyes off of their baby._

_“I get to be his godmother,” Roxy munched on the burger they had gotten her. “He’s pretty cute,” She smiled at the dopey looks that Merlin and Eggsy wore._

_“He’s gorgeous,” Eggsy breathed._

_Merlin cradled Lee close to his chest, “Aye, perfect.”_

 

“Grace,” Merlin whispered when Lee came back in. Their son’s arms were filled with a happy baby.

Lee sat with the six-month-old on his lap, “Figured you’d like to see her. Wasn’t sure if you’d be awake, but dad texted me.”

His heart expanded as Eggsy saw Merlin reach a hand forward to touch their granddaughter’s chubby leg. Only a handful of times was his husband able to hold her. Between chemo and radiation Merlin was too weak to hold her and with the amount of pain he was in increasing with each day that past it had become even harder for Merlin to enjoy her.

One of the Registered Nurses came in to administer more medication, “No.” Merlin shook his head slowly.

“Babe,” Eggsy said. “Don’t refuse any. Please. Wasn’t good the last time you did that,” He reminded Merlin. Eggsy couldn’t watch that again, “I’ll be here I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

“I wanna see Grace,” Merlin insisted stubbornly.

Eggsy bit his lip attempting to stave off tears, “I know you do.” His voice trembled.

“What if I came back in a half hour?” She suggested and Eggsy sighed when Merlin agreed.

The nurse had stayed behind to help situate Merlin into a sitting position. Pillows around him as Lee placed Grace gently onto his father’s lap keeping a hold on her.

“She’s been all over the place,” Lee smiled giving his daughter a kiss on her cheek.

“Getting big, yeah?” Eggsy was rubbing soothingly over Merlin’s head.

Closing his eyes Merlin allowed his husband to comfort him. It never took the discomfort away, but it warmed him to be close to Eggsy just a little longer. He hadn’t realized he was dozing off until his nurse, Rachel was her name, returned with medicine. Merlin truly had wanted to refuse it just for a few more moments with his family, but the look Eggsy was giving him tore his heart apart. He took it without protest and leaned his face further into Eggsy’s touch.

 

_“You’re going to have a baby?” Eggsy had his mouth gaped open at the news his son had told them._

_“Yeah. Janice is 7 weeks along,” Lee was vibrating with excitement._

_Merlin was smiling so wide it should have broken his face in two, “I’m so happy for ye, lad.” He pulled his son into a tight hug._

_“Thanks, da,” Lee choked out. He turned to his dad who still had a look of shock frozen on his face, “Are you happy, dad?” He asked nervously. It was a rare occasion that his father could be stunned speechless._

_Eggsy laughed a little and a few tears escaped, “Of course I am.” Giving Lee a kiss he wrapped him into a strong embrace. His grip could have suffocated his son._

_It wasn’t until 7:30 in the morning on a cold December day did they get the call that their granddaughter had been born. Merlin and Eggsy had given their son and daughter in law time before going up to shower Grace with love and the gifts they had bought her. They held her closely for the entire evening and only giving her up when she needed her mum for a feeding._

_“You two ever going to give me my baby?” Lee teased as his da held Grace._

_“Nope,” Eggsy was the one to answer and leaned in to kiss her little nose. “Going to spoil you rotten.”_

_“Nuh uh. You two are not going to be those grandparent’s,” Lee crossed his arms._

_“Which would those be?” Merlin inquired gazing at his son over the rim of his glasses._

_“The ones who buy her everything she wants.”_

_Eggsy snorted and Merlin shook his head, “Nae. We won’t.” He heard Lee give a sigh of relief, “We are going to be much worse.” His smile was wicked and felt Eggsy kiss the underside of his jaw. They both stared lovingly at their granddaughter while their son made a groan in defeat._

 

The evening was coming to a close and Merlin was sleeping still. Eggsy hadn’t moved from his spot outside of making the needed trips to the loo. Their son had tried to get him to eat before leaving with Grace, but Eggsy didn’t want to move from Merlin’s side. He had a loose grasp on Merlin’s hand as Eggsy mindlessly watched the telly. Not really paying attention to what played before him.

How could he? His heart was lying next to him fading away. Eggsy was trying desperately to keep his composure. It wouldn’t do them any favors if he broke down in front of Merlin. Sleeping or not he knew his husband could hear him still. So instead he chose to hum their song again. It had been Merlin’s tune of choice today and Eggsy would sing it until his voice became hoarse if that’s what his love wanted.

Eggsy looked up at a cool finger against his face, “Hi.” He breathed taking the weak hand in his.

“Ye are crying,” Merlin whispered.

“Thought you’d be asleep a little longer,” Eggsy got up and gave his husband a kiss. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Heard ye singing again,” He smiled.

“Yep.”

“Will ye stay tonight?” He hadn’t asked this of Eggsy since they had admitted him here. Merlin had urged him to go home and get a good night's sleep. Only Eggsy had just started to listen and was going home. Merlin knew better than to think his husband got any sleep. By the dark circles and bags under his eyes, Merlin knew.

“I’ll stay every night if that’s what you want,” Eggsy cupped Merlin’s wrinkled cheek.

“That’s what I want,” Merlin turned his face a little and kissed Eggsy’s palm.

 

_Eggsy was trying to listen beyond the sobs he was making. It was hard. He really needed to pay attention. He wasn’t sure that Merlin would be listening, but of course, he would be. That was so his husband._

_“I’ll try the chemo and radiation. Ye said it can give me a few more months?”_

_“You’re looking at up to a year with intensive chemo and radiation.” Time stood still for him at that moment. Eggsy couldn’t think or breathe. It didn’t matter what Merlin did. Eggsy’s husband would be leaving him no matter what._

_Merlin nodded his head and squeezed Eggsy’s thigh. He was just barely holding it together and his husband had already lost it. Merlin knew Eggsy wouldn’t be able to handle the news. So he chose to keep his emotions in check until they got home. Then Merlin would allow himself to break down._

_That night Eggsy didn’t let go of Merlin. He was afraid to. Because soon he probably wouldn’t be able to touch him with the side effects of chemo and radiation. Already he had combed the pamphlets, information sent with them from the appointment and articles over the internet. His husband could end up in more pain just from that alone, forget the pain he would be in from cancer._

_He desperately wanted to stop time. But Eggsy knew he couldn’t, “I haven’t had enough time with you.” He whispered after they had made love._

_“I know,” Merlin agreed and kissed Eggsy hard. “Thirty-six years is a long time my love.”_

_“Not long enough, Hamish. It isn’t long enough,” Eggsy began to cry. Because no matter what he’d be expected to live another 20 or more years past his husband. “I just want to freeze this moment here with you. Never leave your side. Because fuck if I can imagine my life without you.”_

_“I wasn’t going to live forever, Eggsy.”_

_“I know that, Hamish. I do. But we were cheated out of our years together. I had told you to get checked. I get my fucking prostate checked. And now I have to live without you. Because it’s too fucking far gone and they can’t fix it,” Eggsy was breathing heavily by the time he had stopped._

_“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered and saw the look of horror flash over Eggsy’s beautiful features. Because even at sixty Merlin thought Eggsy was the most beautiful man he had seen._

_“No I’m sorry,” He kissed him. “So sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I love you.” Eggsy kissed away the tears that fell. He didn’t stop murmuring ‘I love you’s’ to Merlin after that. Eggsy didn’t let go either. They both just laid there listening to each others breathing._

 

“I’m tired,” Merlin said late that night.

“Go to sleep then,” But Eggsy knew he meant something else. And he wasn’t going to acknowledge it. Not yet. Because no matter what he still wasn’t ready. Eggsy wasn’t sure it’d be possible for him to live without Merlin.

Shifting uncomfortably on the bed Merlin pressed the button for the nurse. He told her he was in pain and for once requested something without someone pestering him to ask. Merlin knew his husband worried for him and that’s why Eggsy asked several times in a day if he was in any pain. He settled in feeling the effects of the medication administered, “Stay.” Merlin slurred a bit.

“I won’t leave. I told you I’d stay.”

He was just in and out of sleep, “I love ye.”

Eggsy felt his chest tighten, “I love you too, babe.” He bit his lip watching Merlin’s breathing even out.

“Sing to me,” Merlin whispered.

He almost missed what his husband had said. So Eggsy began to sing their wedding song only he stopped when Merlin shook his head.

“What?”

“Sing that one song I love,” Merlin held onto Eggsy’s hand as tightly as he could.

“The one by Sinatra?” Merlin weakly nodded his head. He started to hum warming up to the melody of The Way You Look Tonight. It was something he would croon while in the shower and it had become a regular thing to hear in their home once Merlin had told Eggsy he loved it.

He thought of all of the times that time had stood still in their lives together. And how happy Eggsy had been the years they were married. He never took his eyes off of Merlin as his breathing slowed. There were a few periods of apnea that had Eggsy’s heart stopping and starting again when Merlin would take another breath. He continued to sing the song over and over and by the fifth time, his husband had taken his final breath.

Despite his heart breaking Eggsy finished the verse out before giving his husband another kiss on his still warm lips. He slid Merlin’s wedding band off and made his way out of the room. He wasn’t really sure how he was moving. But Eggsy found the nurse and told them. They, of course, had to confirm it. Eggsy went back to the room and stayed beside his love until they came to take Merlin to be cremated per his wishes.

On his way out Eggsy thought how that would be the last time that time stood still for him and his husband.

**Author's Note:**

> Look I'm sorry okay? It's 5:30 in the morning for me and I have another two hours before I can go home from a 16-hour shift.  
> I hate me too.


End file.
